I can honestly say I had a lot of that, I had a lot of shame within my energy field, in my heart and in my mind. Shame is that feeling of deep regret. Of guilt. That feeling of total powerlessness of what's happened in a past event or within yourself. I felt it as a dark energy just lingering on, something that just didn't want to let go of me. But the truth was that it was never shame that was holding onto me, it was me who was holding onto shame, the idea of it, the self identification I gave it.
The story I was telling myself was "Sarah... throw away all your stripper clothes and bags because the money you made was not "clean money." or "Sarah, delete your modelling website and completely change and ignore the fact that you genuinely like the camera because models are not good people." or "Sarah, delete and untag those photos, even the modelling pictures.. you were drunk in most of them." or "Sarah, if you want people to take you serious, you must be this peaceful person and you must show that you are healed." or "Sarah, remember that time you got inbliterated and woke up with puke on you? ... I could go on. Shame for me was the story I was telling myself of the money I was making at the club or in the hotel rooms. Shame for me was blacking out when drinking and using drugs. Shame for me was my modelling photos because I didn't feel respected, I didn't feel like I was taken serious after the fact (not during). Shame for me was what family said to me "Sarah, I'm so happy you're not trying to be an actor anymore". Shame to me was looking at all the things I owned and all the modelling photos I had and saying that it wasn't good enough, or it was "dirty".
Why is it that we are loved conditionally? On the terms of parents and why does it hurt so bad to not be loved for who we are?
I was so confused as a child as to why I was so different, why I didn't like rules and why I always followed my heart. Why I always did what I felt, why I was considered the weird one, the rebel and also selfish. And was always shunned for being me. Well... With all do respect, Fuck You :)
I no longer stand here in shame to be me, to be Sarah! I stand here with Confidence, with Self-love and Acceptance and with Forgiveness towards me... and towards you.
I know what you're thinking....
"Okay yea Sarah we get it, your healing but you're not telling us how... "
The first step to healing and overcoming shame is being completely aware of what's going on within your 1. Thoughts 2. Emotions 3. Body. Once you're completely aware of these three things, you'd be able to pick up on ALL your triggers, on what your attached to. Your beliefs that are creating your world right now. The beliefs that are not necessarily yours... they're your parents. Validate those thoughts, those feelings without judgment. It's okay to feel how you feel, and it's okay to be where you are right now. Bring your awareness to the present moment, instead of looking in the past, and anticipating towards the future, bring your attention to the present moment; you're breathing? your heart is beating? There is absolutely nothing wrong with this moment. Your level of awareness is what is causing you pain, because your limited to only one way of thinking. If you became an open vessel of universal consciousness and become completely aware of everything in your space, everything that's going on within when memories come up, when someone or something triggers you. It will lead you out of that limited thinking mind to then see the bigger picture THE PURPOSE of what your trigger and situation really is.
Once you've become aware of what's is going on within, what triggers you and all of these memories that you have regarding a certain choice or situation. VALIDATE IT. Tell yourself its okay to feel the way you feel. You've got every right to feel this way and no one can tell you any different. And if you're wondering what a trigger is, it's a reaction, usually negative... but goes deeper than what you may think. Now I want you to ask yourself what good came out of this? It will be hard to find at first, but even the smallest positive thing will raise your vibration. Also, one reason why we become so shameful is because we care so much of what other people think. if you feel you are not one of those people, congrats and please honour that you don't. But, for those who do, the next step is for you to be honest of WHO's opinion you care most of, and why? Dig even deeper, usually it will start with parents. Be present with this realization, and the root cause of your pain and suffering. And this realization is NOT to blame them, as blame is another form of shame, so initially, if you start to blame, shame came in through the back door. The belief of not being good enough, is not your belief, it is your parents belief and they gave it to you through their conditioned love towards you. They may be totally unaware of it, but that is besides the point. You've got to the choice to keep it, give it back to them, give the beliefs to your own children and continue the cycle or create your own beliefs. the choice is yours. From now on, live in the vibration of acceptance, of approval of yourself ... SO no matter if you reach a certain goal, or if you decide to go on a new diet, or ANYTHING, whether you "fail" or "succeed" won't matter cause you love and approve of yourself anyway. that fail or success will not change WHAT you are at a core level. Which is unconditional love.
* Forgiveness of Thyself & Others
The most simple but hardest step in overcoming shame... is Forgiveness. Which is complete approval of whats happened "to you". Approval of other people's action, and approval of your own, It's hard, fuck is it ever hard. But with practice, dedication and doses of self love, you'll be on your way to forgiving. Ask yourself "What is the good coming from this memory or decision I've made?". There has to be atealst one good thing, but find as many as you can within this shameful event or memory. Because being shameful is a state of powerlessness, step into your power and ask yourself "What would I rather be feeling right now" , replace that emotion and thought with new ones, letting go on the old ones WITHOUT judgement. Trust yourself within this process, trust that you are on the right path and that this exercise is working.
When you allow the memories of the past to become a lesson not a burden, that is when you will start to heal. When you become aware of the thoughts that you are thinking, and pause to feel the inner stillness of all that is, that is when you start to heal. When you start listening to your body and search for approval of ONLY yourself, that is when you will truly be happy..
When what you have, what are you and what you've accomplished IS ENOUGH!
Looking at my modelling photos and all the hard work I've done, although I was going through SO MUCH, damn I was happy when I was up there. I was the star and the spotlight, and I felt loved by ... me.
I no longer feel shame to those memories and looking at them now, I feel so inspired to start again!
I had this belief of either choosing between modelling/acting and being a healer.
I AM DOING BOTH.
I am my own creator, and I am creating the life that I truly want to live. The same goes for you.
Although no one would ever know I felt this way, it bothered me before that I was not accepted.
I was not born to be a worker, I was not born to be confined within all these social rules... I was born to be Sarah, to be authentic and to follow my heart and bliss.
Don't let anyone tell you what you want to do with your life. You can be a basketball player and a crafts men like Jonas Valanciunas, you can be an actor, a writer and an environmentalist like Matt Damon and Leonardo Dicaprio. You can be whatever you want!
The only limits you have, are the ones you hold against yourself.
So you're wondering how I'm overcoming shame;
Little by little I love myself, ALL OF ME, my mistakes, my shame and I honour it. I honour my feelings. I treat myself kindly. I dive deep within it, and sometimes I don't like what I see. But I approve and authentically forgive myself, and others with the steps above. I'm not saying that life is an as simple as the steps above, but life can be fun or shit. The choice is yours. And Yes, You do have a choice :)
I hope this has helped you to step into your power! Good-luck, and you have my support of your dreams. Turn your dreams into reality but taking action!