I had decided to clean my stripper drawers out and all of these memories came back, and all I could feel was deep shame. Like SERIOUS shame…
I literally let these clothes have Power over me.
After I officially quit dancing… that is, when I completely cleaned my locker out at a club I was at for 4 years, I felt that being or feeling sexy, made me dirty. That having this lingerie after I had called it quits in the industry, made me dirty. And hey… maybe some of it needed to be thrown out… but definitely not all of it. I loved some of those outfits! I felt beautiful in them, as soon as I put them on… BOOM I’d feel different. (if you’re a dancer, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about! We’d do our makeup, our hair (naked of course) and the final touch is the outfit! Fucking Hot as Fuck! I use to put these outfits on at home and dance around the house all sexy and shit.
Sooo, It was the beginning of really connecting with the Angelic Realm, when their messages really started to come through (no they didn't tell me to throw out the clothes lol) , but I felt that there was a part of me that just needed to be... cleansed… that needed to feel "pure." I told myself well, if I’m going to give Angel Readings and connect with these beings, I need to feel like “a Virgin” so to speak. And that’s the story I was telling myself, that manifested into feeling deep shame for these clothes. ** we need to be self aware if our spiritual practices are beneficial or detrimental** … On this day, I got hired at a “normal job” and turned down a customer who had texted me saying “Hi Beautiful, do you have some time this weekend ? $1200.00 “ - As temptation, confusion, disgust, sadness and even anger rushed through me … I kindly declined.
Anyway, as I was going through all these pieces one by one, I would get glimpses of the memories of what had happened in these outfits. Both fun times, both shitty times. Both times of serious PTSD, and of laughter. One memory came to me very clearly from this beautiful one piece, that had a leather look to it. I’d wear sexy fishnets with this outfit. So I had taken a customer in the back for a dance, and right away, he went in for the pussy grab… Immediately as I looked at this outfit, I felt rage wash over me. And tears filled my eyes. “You know you're not allowed to fucking do that, piece of shit” I said to him. And I remember I finished the dance because I wanted the money, and he was so angry for not being allowed to touch my yoni, he sat there and fucking sulked like a bitch…. whooooo it’s getting a little heated over here… I wanted to smack him in his head.
“What a fucking douche” I said out loud. I think I said “UGH!” to myself about 20 times going through these outfits. Majority of the thoughts were “Jesus I was really drunk that night.”
Being so shameful of my decisions as a dancer, had made me feel shame in and of my body, my vagina, terrified to have sex again, shame of my sexuality and shame of being a woman… What did it mean to be a woman ? I had no idea!
And then, it hit me. I realized and asked myself…
“How long am I going to deny that maybe this part of my life was actually fun, that there was bliss within these experiences of being a dancer”. And “Why am I making ALL of these experiences as a dancer horrible and dirty, when that is not the truth.”
I was so focused on all the shit memories being at the club, and all the shame, that I had forgotten about the many times I made $2000 in one night, or the many times I gave an amazing stage show that made me feel SOOOOOO SEXY, or the times I’d make money by just sitting with a guy. I forgot about the laughs I had there with the girls. Or the amazing food we’d get at 3am at 7West after work. Or the many times the girls had my back when customers were not following the rules (heels taken off and thrown lol).
I forgot about the relationships I still have with these women! The trust, the love and understanding!
I had AMAZING connections with some of the women AND with the customers… And, when was I going to admit that …. Well… How about right now :)
So instead of really choosing to feel good in that moment of going through these drawers, instead of putting on the lingerie and dancing, instead of choosing PLEASURE instead of pain. I had chosen to feel bad for myself.
How was I going to let clothes … that I actually feel amazing in! Have control over how I looked at myself? … Makes no sense right ? lmao WRONG AGAIN. It makes perfect sense.
I can’t run away or throw away my past.
And when I actually faced it, and accepted it for what it is… a memory. The pain was transmuted.
Acceptance , Sharing = Healing
You know…. There IS beauty in that industry. There is beauty ... in everything. There is so much acceptance that needs to take place within each individual, and that to me, is beautiful. An opportunity to deepen into yourself is beautiful. And that to me, is POWER. And although I had moments of complete disgust in myself and in others… I’ve had wonderful moments of bliss and deep connection with both the women and the customers there: It was like when I danced for some of these men, their pain and my pain were transmuted. Acceptance on both parts, and loving the moment! There were times, many actually, that I didn't feel used. There were also times where I enjoyed it, and felt fucking powerful as fuck, and the most beautiful girl in the club. And I definitely was.
It was me who the men confided in to be “that girl” to make it better. Some of these men would actually talk to me, some of them would really listen. Some didn't even want a dance! They just wanted to sit and have some drinks and watch the show. Some just wanted to tell me what was going on at home.
The dancers there would confide in me about their boyfriends, or their pimps… and wanting to get out. I look back now… and I think “well, what would’ve happened if I weren't there for these people?” - I’m not gonna go there today, the list goes on for the possibilities but thats besides the point.
The point is..
I had a deep purpose being there. And it’s time to own that! It’s time to own this part of my life!
Why should I question my worth as a woman? Because of these clothes that actually made me feel sexy?
AHA! Well… "What makes me feel sexy, and why am I making it wrong?! Feeling SEXY IS EMPOWERING! And that's truly what I was afraid of…
My Own Fucking Power.
I was like ok Sarah.. Cut the Fucking Bullshit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop looking for reasons to be dirty because that's exactly what you’ll find. So, NO MORE judging myself or these women… Stripping works for them. It worked for me too while it lasted! Who knows what will happen in the future. Everyone is on their own path. There is both pain and bliss in everything, and we get to choose which one to feel. YES! We get to choose. Isn't that empowering?!
Choose to feel into you own sexuality. Begin at the Womb Space & Yoni, and feel that Pussy Power Sister!
Touch it, Feel it, LOVE IT! mmmhhmm ;)
Maybe you feel ashamed for any decisions you've made? Maybe you feel dirty from getting abused or, maybe you were once a dancer ? Maybe, you feel uncomfortable speaking about Sex? Do you judge other women and call them sluts for wearing revealing clothes? And say things like "She doesn't respect herself." Do you judge me for once being a stripper? ...Hey listen, I feel you. But let’s start supporting each other instead of judging each other… If we are going to rise, if we want be in our Divine Feminine Power, well ... we need to love each other, accept our paths & OWN IT!
So what now .... I guess throwing out those clothes DID indeed heal me, but I need to remember that I do not need to be fixed or healed... I was born healed!
There is apart of me that will always feel like a stripper. And that is SO SEXY! ;) I am making that a great thing! I am making that something to live in… my Pleasure. Because although TONS of pain was endured during those times, it molded me into who I am. Those lessons and pain have been transmuted into something beautiful because I see the purity and innocence in my decisions.
Where is your power ? How can you transmute your shame?
By sharing of-course. See what I'm doing right now?
… this… is transmuting Pain into Gold.
And sister, no, you don't need to blog it like how I do… but you can talk to me.
TALK TO SOMEONE,
SHARE…. you'll be surprised on how many of us are actually out there waiting to be reached out to.
When u share sister, you heal yourself and everyone around you, because you are accepting of what happened, and making how you feel and what you're doing NOW fucking awesome, and that my friend, is Self -Love.
***If this post resonated with you and you read it to the end, Join Our Online Moon Temple where I deepen, and will be talking more on this topic. Sexual Healing & Transmutation that is ;) Also, if you Love the Moon and want to feel supported and wanted in a circle of devoted women to their paths... Click here Babe xo & Welcome to the Temple Sister !! ***
When its all said and done.... There is Beauty & Purpose in everything.
Especially, your pain. Fucking Own that Shit!
I Love you !