I was feeling inspired yet a little overwhelmed and not good enough a few days ago... so, I asked myself "If I were to die tomorrow, what would I want to tell the world? What would I want to share?" ... And this very shameful experience came up from deep inside my being ... the shame was incredibly "loud" ... , but the Divine Purpose behind it was more potent!
***trigger warning and graphic details ahead so... just a heads up***
April 26th, 2010
I’m so excited as I curl my hair and put my hair extensions in... I hear the front door open.
I'm living at my Gramma's house... and it's been about 6 months since I've gotten out of the hospital for being suicidal... My Gramma's house is a much older house... It’s an older house near Bramalea, so it's a bit squeaky... but omg YAY! My girls are here. I’m turning 17 today and were going to this party off of McMurchy in Brampton.
There is still a part of me that's terrified of going to this house tonight... mostly because I’ve been a "slut" there... I get really drunk and high and then usually one of the guys brings me up there , pulls his pants down and I’m expected to do what he wants. I do it anyway. I’ve never even considered saying no...
What will happen if I do say no? What if they tell me I’m a slut anyway? I don’t know, but let’s not go there right now ok? I have no idea where else we should go for my birthday ... literally people hate me for sleeping with their boyfriends... so I just don’t know where to celebrate.
I’m also kind of scared to go because well, the first night I partied there, I got in a fight with 5 much bigger girls then me. They thought I said something but really it was my “friend” who said it... and because we look alike, they thought it was me and I didn’t want to "out" my friend.... mind you, I can’t show my friends that I’m scared or nervous because I am the "tough one". I like to call myself a bitch because that way, I won’t seem weak... Stupid .... I know this sounds stupid. Anyways, these girls kicked my ass! But I promise you, I didn’t stop swinging till the very end when the last girl let go on my hair.
Anyways. One of my friends brought some vodka! Whoo-hoo! The empty bottle can be apart of my empty liquor bottle collection... My other two girlfriends brought some alcohol too... not much though because we are about to get real fucked up, and there will be free booze and weed where we are going.
Okay! We are ready to go. We look hot... feel a bit drunk and we are ready to celebrate.
As we arrive to the party , we just head on in... That’s what you can do with the houses that are known for parties... ahah this one time the “friend” I told you about earlier... this one time when we went to a party, we walked into the wrong house as they were eating dinner. “Ugh is this the party?” She said. I just thought of it and laughed and wanted to tell you lol.
So as we arrive here ... we go straight to the kitchen to start drinking. There are a lot of people here ... more than usual. It smells like "party" ... like weed ... and it smells not very sanitary. Oh well.. its my birthday and we're getting free booze!
I see “asshole” ... let’s just call him asshole; he’s not very nice to me but I like to sleep with him because well... I don’t know why right now in my life. Me and him usually get drunk and he’s the one who brings me upstairs for most of the night. Sometimes his friends come in and I don’t know who is who, or what I’m doing or why I’m doing it because I’m just so drunk. Would I do this sober? Hmm ... never asked this before so let’s not go there. I don’t like to deal with my inner shit because it hurts too much. I don’t feel loved, and I seem weak if I asked for it, and I don’t want anyone’s help! Plus I’ve been told my entire life that somethings “wrong” with me and still have to talk to many doctors and counsellors, when I had no idea what the fuck I had done wrong.
The more shots I take the better I feel... Because I’m not feeling anything.
“Ouu Weed..” I say to myself. I see someone light up a blunt “that’s mine..."
Coughing all the smoke out .... I am fucked up. I feel such a relief as I exhale the smoke. I decided to do a "bomb." Where you take a big toke, take a shot and then blow out the smoke lmao ... So dumb ... I just want to make it look like I'm really cool and awesome ....
Sitting here, I'm wondering "Why can't life feel this good all the time? Why can’t I feel this good all the time? Why does it have to be so shit and confusing? Why does my mommy not love me? It’s my birthday and she didn’t call me.? ... As I think these questions to myself. I lay my head on “assholes” shoulder ...
Fuck I’m getting “the spins.” ... which really really suck. Because you're aware of how fucked you are, and can’t move really without falling down or barfing all over the place. I can't even open my eyes, and its so dark I have forgotten which part of the house I am in... Oh yes I'm inside on one of the couches of the main floor.
"Asshole” tells me I should lay down. I know what’s about to happen ... I follow him. I’m expecting us to go upstairs to one of the bedrooms, but instead we go into the basement. All I remember is it being so dark and I couldn’t see anything. He put me on, what I can feel as a blow up bed. I can feel him taking my jean shorts off. My purple top is still on, same with my undies. I begin to gain a bit more consciousness, because deep down I really don't want to be in this situation... I’m able to sit up. I call his name. He does not answer me...
I’m really really hammered .... it’s too quiet right now ... What’s the hell is he doing?
I pause ... the kind of pause where you hold your breath... I hear him unbuckle his pants.
"Hello? What are you doing?"
As I sit in this pitch black basement,. Next thing you know... I feel wetness of me... I hear the sound of someone urinating.
What's happening right now? I'm so confused ...
"Um what the fuck?" I think to myself ...
But it's pretty clear what he's doing ...
He’s literally peeing on me.
Omg he’s fucking peeing on me! I screamed "He’s peeing on me!"
My girlfriend hears me and comes running downstairs... I’m so humiliated. Am I really that dirty? He thinks I’m that dirty he has pissed on me? This is the worst birthday ever...
My other girlfriend starts charging after him, he pushed her really hard. It seemed like he’d hit her. So, she backs off. I block all of this out ... all of what people said when going back upstairs ... everyone who saw me.... Using my anger at first to hide how broken and disgusting I feel. I do remember crying and my friends being with me. I feel like such a horrible friend.
What kind of person am I ?
As an hour or two pass and we smoke a few cigarettes outside , I go back inside ... "Asshole" has not said I’m sorry... Why is he not saying I’m sorry? Why is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Maybe I should’ve just slept with him. As I still smell his urine on me... he invites me to go to his house instead of being here.
I decide to go with him. Why? Because it just seems like he's the only one who cares and ... I don't know and I don't want to ask myself that right now.
Everyone says to me “Sarah you’re so stupid ... Sarah your an idiot.” “Sarah what’s wrong with you?” Everyone in the house tells me what a fucking retard I am, except Asshole. I'm so confused ... Seriously... I'm just so confused and drunk!
So, I go with him.
As we get to his house, we have sex about 3 times ... where ever he wanted ... and my friend came with me because she didn’t want to be alone ... She is really, really disappointed in me. What an amazing friend she was as she witnessed me though all of this and decided to stay <3
I pass out on his bed, my pants and undies off. I can see, he has empty liquor bottles displayed on his television stand .... similar to my collection.
I wake up, and I still feel that lubrication from the condom. I feel so gross. I look over ... he's sleeping.
Should I kill him right now? Should I just grab one of these empty bottles and kill him?
Oh the rage I feel. The disgust I feel in him. The disgust I feel in myself ... What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I come back here ? ... Didn’t he fucking pee on me?
I see my friend sleeping on the floor. Wow I am such a shit friend.
I call my Papa to come pick me up ... and as he arrives. I feel so much shame.
Shame + a Hangover = Suicidal Thoughts and Questioning Life...
We drop off my friend... I can tell she is angry. She does not say a word to me ...
When I get home, my Gramma had bought me a pink journal with a sparkly pink pen for my birthday. But all I feel is sadness, hopelessness and ... I feel so alone in my pain right now. I can't tell them what happened... How could I tell anyone what happened? Everyone is going to hear about this at school on Monday...
What have I done? ... as I shower. Tears roll down my face. I feel like I'm in shock... did this really just happen? Did I really go back to his house? Did all those people see me with this guys urine all over me?
I'm not even crying... these tears are just there ... I have no idea what this is right now. But, I am hurt and I don’t know why I’m even here.
As a few moments pass... I wash my body. Clean myself up... the water feels like is amplifying everything ...
"Oh I know... When I get out of the shower... I'm going to pretend like non of this happened! That way, I won't have to deal or think about this ever again .... "
And that's what I chose to do for a very long time...
As I write this now... I feel this pull between "Why did this happen to me?" ... and "Thank you, I am so grateful... I now know the truth." ... I could continue to want someone to save me... Or, I could see the true meaning behind it. Behind ALL of this... I could see the Divine Truth and Purpose behind this story of great shame ... Knowing that this is only ONE of MANY experiences ... I choose to see the Divine Truth and Purpose behind all of them.
I choose forgiveness ... not because what happened to me is "okay" or how I was treated is now approved... but because I've accepted that these things have happened. And I choose to love myself anyway! I've chosen to let all of these things, emotions and situations be what drives me to heal our planet... I know what it feels like to feel like absolute nothing ... and I choose to let this be what helps me create a life that I do want... to attract the kind of people I do want in my life. I use my empathy and compassion towards myself by honouring who I truly am ... and bring that to other people.
I still feel shame ... but then I choose to go deeper. And when I feel the purpose behind what has happened, I feel empowered. I feel at peace. I feel as this story of 'I am dirty' ... die within me, because the truth was... that i=I just wanted to be loved. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved. There is nothing wrong with feeling like you've been misguided ... because how God works, is that you've never been misguided ... EVER ... You can never do or choose to do something that is not for your expansion and evolution of your own soul.
Whoa ... super triggering writing this... I had to re-live this to write this in the present tense ... So now, reader, sister, beloved .... I’d like to ask you something ...
Have you ever experienced something like this? Did you think you were the only one? Did you feel completely worthless, dirty and disgusting? Have you felt like absolute nothing or a hole in the wall.?
Yes ... me too.
But you’re not.
What matters now, is that you truly see what was going on behind this.
That hey, you made those choices because you didn’t receive unconditional love as a child, that you didn’t know how to say no, that you just wanted someone to Love you for who you were ... that you didn’t need to do these things to make you loveable. People did some things to you that are just horrendous acts when instead you wanted someone to say “you don’t have to do this unless you truly want to... I honestly just want to be around you. I like you.” ... and when we recognize that we wanted love, that we simply forgot the utmost truth that WE ARE LOVE... it’s okay. It’s okay babe! It really is okay.
Forgive yourself my love.
Because now, now your mission is to Remember who you are. There is nothing that we could have ever done that can take our innocence from us... because it’s apart of us. Love is apart of us. Love is us. Will you choose that?
Can we choose to see ourselves as that! Can we say to ourselves “ I fucking love myself anyway.” ... “I choose to honour how I feel right now, I choose to understand my feeling state.”
I choose to love myself because I am love and no matter what I know who I am Now... I am doing my best and my best is enough! No matter wtf anyone says.
Tell them to fuck off if they don’t support you. Block those Mother fuckers. You support you! You have this entire time, like me. And now... I am here as I offer my heart and tell you that I LOVE YOU, because we are eachother and we are here for MAGIC. We are here to know the very essence of who we are. Which is love and I choose to reflect your wholeness back to you.
What would I tell this 17 year old hurt girl now? I'd tell her ...
“Sarah ... go do your thing. I know you’re hurt right now and even if I told you all that is going to happen you would still go and do what you want! And I admire that about you. I admire your drive and heart of fucking Gold. I admire that you question your parents... and pick up on people wanting to fit you inside a box... I admire you saying “fuck that shit.” ... this doesn’t make you a bad person or a “bad girl” ... So, go and learn. Go be you. Make those choices ... feel the fucking pain. Feel what it feels like to not want to be here ... Because you will wake up one day making sense of all of it... you will choose Life! And you will change and heal lives of women and ALL who have felt the same as you. And to you, the pain will be worth it. You are not alone. And there is nothing that you can do to make me not love you! So go Beloved .... because I know and trust that you will see the truth much sooner than you think."
I now invite you to write a little letter or say what you’d like to say to your 17 year old self or a time where you felt a lot of pain. Let this part of you know that ITS SAFE NOW to get the support it needs. To talk about how you feel. To show up as your lead. You are good enough. You are worthy but only you can choose that for yourself.
In the meantime .... I am here as I reflect your wholeness back to you beloved.
If you'd like to enter a space where its okay to have experiences like the one above this kind... if you'd like to be surrounded by supportive women and have a safe space to share WHATEVER YOU WANT (as long as you're kind) ... If you're beginning to feel the Essence of who your truly are and would like to take steps to walk as LOVE.
Enter the Divine Goddess Sisterhood Temple of FB.
I love you !! <3 <3 <3