I bet you guys have been wondering where I’ve been. Not online obviously… I took out the bio in both my Instagram and Facebook, and have rarely posted anything … Why ? Many reasons; because well, I don’t want to… but the main reason, is because I’ve been in a really deep initiation. My entire life is an initiation, but nothing has cracked me open this wide in my entire life.
So, recently I started dancing again… Yes stripping … Why? Because I want to, the money is great, I have a beautiful body, I am in my power and I feel I’m of deep service in such a genuine and esoteric way… I practice Tantra there and open many energetic doors of Love for people. Talk about service right? I know … I feel that the whole victim story of being a dancer is just not serving me, it doesn’t feel good when I’m in that place of feeling sorry for myself… And I know something for sure, that anything that has caused me pain, has also allowed me to feel unconditional Love, joy, presence and purpose.
When choosing to go back, I was very clear with myself the boundaries that I would stand by. One of them, was that I would ALWAYS use my intuition when choosing customers and who I dance for. If I got a bad vibe … I don’t care how much he offered me, I will not let him receive my energy. Second, I would work day shift, go home every evening. And three, absolutely NO DRINKING… and this is what I want to talk to you about today. Is this thing, we have around addiction, and whether you think you have one, or you know someone who has one … Today my intention is to deeply shift our perspective from one of fear and judgment to unconditional love, compassion and purpose …
So you guessed it, I started drinking at work. But the drinking actually began in April when I was seeing this beautiful man and he specifically told me “oh come on its just one shot.” I was almost 2 years sober, hadn’t touched anything and I did it because I wanted him to LOVE me, and see me. I did it because I wanted to feel good, I was nervous around him … and I wanted to just feel safe and good in my body. Was it worth it? Yes, of course it was.
So, after that … something within me shifted … I missed this feeling of being carefree, of feeling good, relaxing and just having a fucking good time. I really, really missed it. Why did I even stop in the first place? … Is what I thought. After this first drink … Drinking became a casual thing again, dinner and a bottle of wine … then it started to escalate a bit more, little by little … next thing you know I am plastered off tequila and with someone I just met at a bar… and one thing always leads to another.
And then when I decided to start dancing again, I had those 3 boundaries in place … but, it was incredibly difficult for me to say NO to alcohol … So I would have some drinks but not get plastered … that didn’t last too long because it’s perfectly normal to get plastered in this environment.
So, long story short … I had 2 really intense experiences of a complete 2/3 day binge off alcohol and cocaine … Maybe some other shit too … And if you don’t know or have never done anything like that before, well … It’s fucking hell. The come down is fucking real. I cried … I tripped out … I wanted to die, and did a few unthought - out things during these times. I was even going to kill myself and take a bunch of pills. The days of recovery, felt painful to me. Why ? Because, I let guilt and shame take over my thoughts, and then those thoughts took over my body … they had a lot of momentum going already. But now that I have come to let my inner being speak to me again, let my heart and soul speak to me again … This is what she/I had to say about this whole initiation…
“Beloved Sarah. There is literally nothing that you could do, that could make you unlovable. You are Love. Breathe … Feel it… It’s true isn’t it? … Let the guilt go … Experiencing the unwanted holds space for the wanted to come so perfectly. So what do you want? What makes you feel good? Right now, can you feel the Love that you already have for yourself? Can you release the lies that you need this and that to feel good? You are already and unconditionally In-Love with yourself. That feels good doesn’t it? Yes … Yes it does.”
My eyes and heart have deeply opened up for us beings who "have an addiction”, but that label in and of itself, I feel does not serve us … Why? Because no one is a victim here … Through the eyes of Source … No one is a victim. We just want to feel good. Like every other human on this planet … So how about this … the next time you hear the word addiction whether you’re saying this to yourself or about someone else… Remember that you or that person, simply wants to feel good, which is our birth right as humans and as co-creators … We choose things and people because we believe it will somehow make us feel good or better. And that is okay! Release the guilt … Remember, that when you see yourself or someone in their highest regard, when you see and FEEL yourself or some else as the LOVE that we actually are. That is enough to shift you or someone else from all their problems and all the unwanted bullshit, to all the glory and LOVE that we actually are. When we see ourselves for what we actually are. LOVE… And from there … making healthy choices that actually serve us. Not the quick fixes that last a few hours.
This entire initiation has shown me, that I am LOVE. That we are ONE… That I am worthy no matter what, and I will always be worthy no matter what. And as long as I remember and tap into the truth of my being, of who I actually am … I will continue to see myself and all beings as that. As the pure beings that we truly are. And that is how you truly help someone, that is how you truly help yourself. When we see ourselves as LOVE and we remember that God pulses through us no matter what.
Focus on that, remember yourself and that person as that. And they will respond back exactly as you see them. This includes ourselves.
When I started releasing the guilt and shame, thats when the purpose started to surface. Thats when I felt LOVE in my body. The planet Uranus, the planet of sudden change just moved into my sign, Taurus … and she’s been pulling me to completely change the way I was living … But you see I had to let those old habits consume me again, eat me alive and transform me to truly see the magic and the truth. This is not about why it happened and focusing on the problem … because yes… it happened … but my truth is, is this is about what I’m gonna do now. And a whole other world and door has opened up for me. I can serve people in a whole other way now because of this.
So what ever “addiction” you think you may have. Whatever you’re going through right now. I promise if you walk the initiation, if you let it eat you alive, and wait and surrender to the purpose … You my friend, will shift. Your entire life will shift. There is nothing that you are going through that you cannot handle, there is nothing that you are transmuting where there is not gold and gems and Love waiting for you to see. It’s all there for you. Just breathe and allow it all to come to you.
It’s your birthright to want to feel good. Speak and think highly of yourself and although I say this to you, I remind myself again of who I am. LOVE. We are LOVE. And Love is all we need.
I Love you my friend, thank you for being here with me.
Have a beautiful day!